Five golden rules for finding your life partner

A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for reviewing the prospects
of long-term marital success.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one
wants to make a mistake.
Yet,with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent (in USA), it appears that
many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll
say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they
date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth
here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result
of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come.

Let me say it again:
You CANNOT build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.
Here are 5 questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding &
keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20
or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do
with each other all that time? Travel, eat & jog together? You need to share
something deeper & more meaningful. You need a commonlife purpose. Two
things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow
apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom line - &
marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings & thoughts with this person?!
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling
safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having
good communication is trust- i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt
for expressing my honest thoughts & feelings. A colleague of mine defines an
abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts
& feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel
emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?
A menschis someone who is a refined & sensitive person. How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A
teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to
be good & do the right thing."
So ask about your significant other:
What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character
refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People
who are dedicated to personal growth &
people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is
to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.
You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability
to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves & self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom
they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bellboys, taxi drivers,
etc. How do they treat parents & siblings? Do they have gratitude &
appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given
them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you-who
can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip & speak badly about others?
Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that
someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts
it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage .. for the
worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then
you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be
difficult & treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your
head & less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you
are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key
issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your
finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do
your homework.

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Unscientific Answers

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, and your voice caught within
your chest?
It isn't Love, it's Like.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?
It isn't Love, it's Lust.

Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
It isn't Love, it's Luck.

Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't Love, it's Loneliness.

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't Love, it's Loyalty.

Do you stay for their confessions of Love, because you don't want to hurt
them?
It isn't Love, it's Pity.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
It isn't Love, it's being Unconfident.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't Love, it's Infatuation.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
It isn't Love, it's Friendship.

Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of?
It isn't Love, it's a Lie.

Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
It isn't Love, it's Charity.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?
Then it's Love.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then it's Love.

Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are?
Then it's Love.

Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?
Then it's Love.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's Love.

But do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation
pulls you close and holds you?
Then it's Love.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then it's Love.

Now, if Love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we Love?
Why is it all we search for in life?
This pain, this agony?
Why is it all we long for?
This torture, this powerful death of self?
Why?
Because it's....Love.

posted by anitahartono at 10:43 AM

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